Perth Smiles :)

This is an example of a "Perth Smile" :)

I’m in Perth this week. Perth people are funny little things who have three settings; angry, miserable and morose. Some of the Perthers will give you a forced smile, but you can see the rage in their eyes and though their lips are pressed together you can tell they are hiding clenched teeth, (and probably a forked tongue.) A small percentile may actually deliver you a beautiful smile, but they’re probably from war torn countries or interstate, (or have aspirations of running away interstate.)

Secretly they are all angry because they all wish they could live in Melbourne, but they don’t. They live in Perth, and they know this. I once met a girl who said this secret out loud!!! Based on her openness I asked her out. As I write this to you, I am single. I thought there was going to be a thunderstorm that day! But there wasn’t. It was just normal weather.

I suppose Perthers want to move to Melbourne for the coffee, because it might make them smile more, or maybe it will stop them from looking at their feet when I talk to them, or maybe a good coffee would stop them being so tired and lazy all the time… Sometimes you can smell the caffeine on their clothes when they sleep. I once took a guy’s coat and dowsed it with toilet spray to get rid of the coffee smell. He smelt like a public toilet afterwards which is better than smelling like bad Perth coffee! If I could bottle it I would call it ‘West Dreams’ because Perth people dream of moving to Melbourne for the coffee, and famous people, (who aren’t very famous but they know someone who went to school with Heath Ledger, so they are kind of superstars themselves,) would do the adverts on TV.

I suppose another reason they want to go to Melbourne is because of the footy. The footy teams are much better in Melbourne and have better colours. I don’t understand the footy, but I once watched someone kick a footy ball and it looked like if the footy ball wasn’t a footy ball but it was my head, it would have hurt, but it wasn’t my head it was a footy ball, so it was okay. Anyway, I don’t think they would like Melbourne too much, because they have police fines for tailgating, so they would come back in a few months and be angry again because they have no licence and lots of bad coffee! Maybe they should just get better footy players and open more good coffee places in Perth and then people would be happier. I don’t want special credit for the idea from the Premier or whatever, but thanks for listening.

- Dane